To a non-parent or a pre-parent who has yet to get in the trenches, ‘mom guilt’ is a trope. It’s a young woman who feels like she needs to give her child the best opportunities, the ends of her attention span, the most healthy food, and the most nurturing activities.

It’s a woman doomed by every choice she makes, fated to forever reflect and stress that she chose poorly.

It’s easy to laugh at because it sounds so hyperbolic. And moms themselves don’t help the cause. “I prepped all the meals and snacks baby will need while I travel for work because #momguilt.”

We see how absurd it is when we spell it out like this, right?

But what if the phrase ‘mom guilt’ is really getting to the heart of, isn’t guilt at all?

As a seasoned guilty mom, I’ve started to pick a part what I’m really feeling when I say I have mom guilt.

It’s jealousy when I drop him off at daycare. He’s changing so fast and I’m envious that I don’t get to spend my whole day with him.

It’s resentment that most of the baby-related tasks only get done because I remember to do them. And the ‘guilt’ that I feel when I don’t perfectly perform is really just the inability to communicate with my husband about this.

Sometimes, it’s pure joy that I’m doing something alone and just for myself. But then I’m afraid of feeling judged for my joy, so I tell people I feel guilty only to hear reassurance that I should be. Because I really should be.

I think if we’re really honest with ourselves, a lot of the guilty is either performative or based on the fear of other people’s judgement.

Earlier this year I traveled for work, and I had a great time! But I was afraid to share too much of it on social media, because what if people questioned my love for my baby, or thought something was wrong with me that I could be okay leaving?

In the lead-up to it, I was scared to leave. Not because I didn’t trust my husband. He’s a great father and totally capable of parenting solo for a few days. But what if my absence was too noticeable and the days were spent managing the ‘I miss mommy’ tantrums?

But after the first night, the fear started to dissolve, and I spent the next few days socializing, staying out late for drinks, and moving around on my own time.

And then, when it was time to rush home — because let’s be honest, I did rush — I don’t think I did it out of guilt that I immediately had to take back my share of parenting duties.

I gleefully made the trip back home in time to pick up the baby from daycare and take him out for ice cream (and no, I definitely don’t feel guilty for giving my baby an ice cream treat).

So once I pick apart my feelings, I realize that guilt often isn’t the primary feeling. And when it is, it’s because it’s been externally placed.

So let’s rebrand the Mom Guilt. May it no longer feel like a trope we need to don in order to call ourselves a modern mom.

Parenthood is anything but simple. So let’s stop trying to oversimplify it and call our feelings what they truly are.

I’ve got all the room for joy, sadness, jealousy, resentment, and fear. But guilt? Let’s get it out of here.

This post was originally published on a Medium blog that I started in 2022. I’ve carried it over to Substack with its original date, just for the sake of having all my writing in one place.